Better off dead

I'm gonna be blunt here and say I found it a bit boring and, essentially, pointless. It pretends to tell a story, but all of the important details beyond the fact that this person is in pain and dies are left out, so I'm left wondering why I bothered reading in the first place.

My mouth stitched closed.
Eyes too swollen to open.
Nose bleeding, but not broken.
Rain drops tapped against my foggy window.

Firstly: punctuation. IMHO you need to replace some of those full stops with commas. Your sentences are in fragments, so I think you should play with the sentence structure quite a bit as its already feeling repetitive and dull. Something like:

My mouth stitched closed, eyes
too swollen to open;
my nose bleeding, but
not broken. And the rain,
tapping against my foggy window.

A little bit longer, more complex, less jerky...I just think it would help the poem flow better. Also, that last line seems out of place to me. It refers to a setting that is never seen again and it is rather abrupt after the "my this, my that" focus of the previous lines. Consider removing it altogether, or bringing the setting in more concretely.

Joints crackling,
my rib is broken.
Ears in too much pain.
Shock spread into my veins.

Meh. It could be left out without affecting the poem to any degree.

Arms too weak,
legs bruised.
Ankle twisted,
brain pumped with knowledge.

Again, it adds nothing but a litany of complaints. The last line also seems out of place. What are you referring to? Expand on this, and you could have something interesting. What is this knowledge? How does it relate to the poet's pain and eventual death?

Blood still warm.
As my heart slows,
I did realize it was time for my to go....
time for me to die.

This...confuses me greatly. The idea of death doesn't really tie in well with the rest of the poem. Try to bring it back to the idea of pain or something, so that the rest seems to have a purpose. Also, "my" should be "me" and the ellipsis at the end of the second to last line should have only three dots (picky, I know, but true).

Overall, it wasn't really my thing. You need to work on your rhythm and rhyme scheme, which are both a little haphazard, but I'm sure that will come with practice. I would also advise being a little more creative with your imagery - as yet your descriptions are very prosaic. Try adding some similes, metaphors, even just adjectives to spice it up and get your reader involved. At this point you're merely telling us about pain, but what you want is for us to feel it with your narrator. So explore a little bit. Use your imagination! What does this particular pain feel like? Needles? A knife? Brainstorm a bit and challenge yourself - I'm sure you'll be able to come up with something great.

Keep writing!
Cheers,
~bubbles

Really I don't think this was emo at all!! As I read this I almost could picture this person. If you ever seen Tim Burton's A Nightmare Before Christmas I think it's very much like that, in a way. Very good.

P.S. If this were me I'd make this into a short story about a guy who is murdered by love but...that's just me.

Well, I have nothing even remotely constructive to say--everyone already mentioned the things I noticed.
But anyways, great poem! I don't think it's emo...it's kind of, well, painful sounding?
I liked it anyways though. It really made me think.
Keep writing,
.:Ayra:.

I like your use of words.
But I think you should explain a little more about all his/her pains. It would draw you in a little more. Right now it kinds seems as if there is a wall between me and the story that's going on. I am no expert on poetry though.
I like your work!
Just try to read over it again. And see what happens

Good luck
Gwenevire
xxx

PS.
Its doesn't sound emo. Its sounds more gruesome and painful.

Hehehe, we love these poems! I would probably take away some of the pronouns connected to body parts, just to get a more detached feeling, because detachness (hehe, Nano is making me make up weird words!) makes everything seem weird and foreign, and you want that feeling because everybody knows about pain, but pain in a weird way? No, that's too strange. So they shy away from that.

I ruined your poem. That is, I played around with it and asked myself what I would do with your poem, if I had the chance. It kind of sucks, but maybe you would like to steal certain elements of it? After all, it is your poem. ^_^


Eyes swollen,
Mouth stitched closed,
Nose bleeding (but not broken)
Raindrops tap against my foggy window.

Joints crackling,
ribs collapsing
Ears throbbing.
Shock spread into my veins.

Arms weak
legs bruised
ankle twisted,
Brain pumped.

Blood still warm, but heart slows,
I realize now it was time to go....

the "brain pumped with knowledge" could be an outlet into some insight of this character. perhaps he/she is dying because of what he/she knows. if so, expand on that. it could be very interesting.

was it on purpose that you have her nose not broken? it must be important since it is basically the only thing that was attacked but spared (sortof)

this is interesting, keep going with it, and i can see how its not emo (emo poems are rarely very good)

FINALLY!!!! Someone who doesn't say it's emo..... because it's not! Thank you!

I liked this poem alot because it was easy to follow, and the descriptions were very vivid.
There's just two parts that seems a bit out:
1. "brain pumped with knowledge," doesn't seem to go with the flow and;

2. i think "time for me to die" could be said less literally, because the begnning has described it so well already.

Otherwise, it's really good and keep up the great work!